Parenting Successes and Fails

Let me share with you, my fails, and my kids' successes this week. Then, let me let you in on a secret: I am going to claim those wins as my own, as well as my husband's.  (Big grins and high fives!)

Let me start by introducing you to our 14 year old, Hunter. He is a huge blessing to us. In my book, he is a hero. 

He is the reason that I quit smoking (months before getting pregnant with him, to prepare to receive this precious gift). That was huge!

Unfortunately, he was still given all of the woes that I have had to deal with and more. Hunter has allergies, asthma, scoliosis, hip displacement, walking difficulties, sensory issues and Asperger's.  The way he has handled his life has been amazing in the fact that he has never given up. He finds the positives and accepts what he has been given, ultimately accepting himself. That is huge, especially for a teenager. Hunter has not a single real friend outside of our family, yet he is content with his online gamer friends and knows that this is his comfort zone right now and is fine with that.

Hunter had many, many friends in school, but the bullies and teachers who have misunderstood him, made school a miserable place to be. Three schools later and with the same situations in all of them, we decided to homeschool.

He was the initial reason that we homeschool. What a blessing that has brought to our lives! What a gift Hunter has given us!

With his difficulties walking, asking Hunter to join us on walks outside, is a big deal. We are asking him to do what is uncomfortable and very painful for him.

Yet, on his first day of school, he joined us on our walk!

Then, two minutes into the walk, he tripped on the edge of the sidewalk and ripped open his knee. It was brutal and bloody. He insisted on not turning back, but to keep on walking until we completed our trip. He didn't want to disappoint his three siblings. WOW!

I was so proud of him!

We ended up going to the doctor the next day, because it was infected, even after our cleaning and first aid procedure. He is now a trooper on antibiotics!

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Parker is our second born. He had survived two near-death experiences in the same week, as a two-week old. He has always been "our little Pastor". He decided to homeschool, because he doesn't like to be around "rule breakers" and crowds at school. He is a hard worker, very mature and helps his family out tremendously. Need I brag more?

As of yesterday, we hadn't been to church for the last five years. I have kept the family out of church for two reasons. I couldn't stand the way the kids in Sunday School treated Hunter. I also can't stand the way religion treats the gay community.

Parker has wanted to get back to church though, for awhile. I told him we would find one this fall. He would not let me give up on going to a new church (always an uncomfortable situation for me), even though I have been exhausted this past month. (We have had a really rough month.)

So, this past Sunday, my "little" boy, who hasn't been to church since he was six years old, brought his mom to a new church. He was so comfortable in his church surroundings. I was so proud of him! We had an AWESOME time, just the two of us! We then went to lunch and discussed how we couldn't wait to go back!

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We were pregnant with our Natie, the EXACT day after we decided that foster care and adoption would not work for us (even after weeks of classes, months of preparing, and years of saving for it). We were so excited!

She is feisty, stubborn and smart. She is a true red-head! She is hard to raise, but we know that she will make it in this world as an adult, and that in itself is comforting! She also insists on staying homeschooled and I couldn't be happier!

We were swimming in the lake all summer and each time, she begged for us to take her to swim classes. As the neighbor girl keeps bragging about her dance class and gymnastics class (which Natie dropped out of), Natie is reminded about how much she wants to take swim classes.

Two weeks ago, I signed her up for them. Natie's excitement built and built! The day of the class was a long one, as she kept begging to know the time; and how much longer she had to wait to go to this 6pm class.

5:15pm rolled around and I checked the website to make sure I didn't have to swim with her in this particular class and that we were ready to go. It stated that classes were moved up a half an hour!  Oh no!!!! We raced to the car, dragging Parker and dad with us.

When we got there, we were told that she was signed up for the WRONG CLASS!!!! THERE WERE ZERO OPENINGS AVAILABLE FOR HER AS WELL!!!

She was obviously disappointed and quietly expressed that a few times, but accepted our peace offering of ice cream and a promise of signing up for "next swim session". She held her composure.

WOW! What a four year old! We were so proud of her! 

(I wanted to cry for her disappointment-but held it together in the face of a pre-schooler.)

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Lila is our feisty, very smart, extremely strong, two year old. Although all of our children are a gift from God, I know that Lila was truly "gifted" to us, from God. We didn't ask for her, like the other three babies. We had planned on finishing our family with Natalie. Still, Lila was a pleasant surprise and one we needed. 

She is Natalie's Best Friend and Grandma Mary's little shadow; she brightens Grandma's gloomiest days, exactly at a time in life that Grandma needs her to the most. Lila has also given me one last phase in life, to snuggle and squeeze a precious baby. That is truly a Gift from God!

Lila is following the path of her siblings, loving the "schooling" part of the day the most! She dotes on each brother and sister and truly loves her family.

*******

Parents fail on a weekly basis. We may yell, swear, roughly sit a kid on the time-out step, or accidently schedule the wrong class-or even forget to sign them up-a time or two.

Our successes are what matters most, however. I believe that the greatest successes come in the form of character traits.

When a child loves God; adores his/her family; enjoys learning about the world around them; and takes disappointments in stride, knowing tomorrow brings a new day-you have succeeded as a parent!

How the Library Ended My Shopping Urges

I am not a huge shopper, except when my husband has frustrated me to no end. You know those times, when he doesn't hear a word you are saying; or doesn't offer help around the house when you are obviously drowning in laundry, dishes, toys and dust. When you ask him why he hasn't REALLY cleaned or picked up in awhile, and his response (with shock in his face) is, "why didn't you just ask?" I can't run fast enough to the mini-van, to the store and to that shopping cart! (Also known to fill up that cart via online.) It is my release!

Or, I shop like crazy when we happen to have a bonus of cash in the bank and I go into organizing ocd mode. Rubbermaid boxes keep calling my name from those aisles in the big-box stores. You know what I mean. All of those bright colors! All of those different sizes! Oh, the things you can (store) do!

Well, not too many of us have had that extra cash in the bank the last few years, in this horrid economy, so we have had to adapt.

I ask for help now, and although my husband over-kills it (he always "exceeds expectations"-a rule in our house), I am happy to have his help (even though I have to make a list-I despise having to make a list; "can't you see the mess right in front of you, or the mold growing in the toilet!")

When in organizing ocd mode (I always ocd on my projects), I re-purpose our containers and go to a Dollar Store for smaller ones, to re-organize and pick up the house and school supplies.

Still, I get the urge to shop, since it hasn't been too often these past couple of years that we have had that extra cash (and quite frankly, I miss that), so I fill in that need with the library! My kids and I, sometimes I get lucky and get to go by myself on the weekends, head to the library once or twice a week. The purpose is tri-fold.

First, we always need to gather material for school. This is usually in the form of history biographies, or living history type books; documentaries for history or science; a classic fiction book for reading and its counterpart in a movie. My second oldest plays piano, so I try to throw in some classical music to force-feed him during our studies, though he insists on contemporary only. (A mom can try, right?)

Second, we pick out fun (educational) movies for the girls; fun books for all of the kids; and a family movie for the weekend.

We get two full, reusable bags each time.

I still have to visit weekly or twice a week.

I don't always have to.

I just need to.

This is my third reason.

It is a blast for me to fill up those bags and then fill up four little heads when I get home. I always try to get a fun book for me, but end up with educational books to help me with school or child-raising instead. That's okay.

This is how I stay away from shopping. This is how I am able to stay happily married. The library keeps my credit cards empty and our heads full!

Why We Don't Invite Guests Over

I have this hang-up. I can't have people over unless my house is not only picked-up, but sanitized as well. 

This may have come from growing up with a perfectionist, clean-freak, ocd-type of mom whose floors you could eat off of by 3pm on any Saturday, of any week, of any year. (This was of course, after every family member was drafted to clean, using old toothbrushes to get in-between bathroom tiles, and two bottles of pledge, to clean every furniture leg in the house.)

Or, maybe it is because I am a "germ-o-phobe" and believe everyone else is too. Guests will judge me for how my sink and toilets look. 

Or, maybe it has come from selling a couple of houses. We had to be prepared to show each house, at the spur of the moment. I didn't want to be judged as a bad housekeeper. I didn't want to be accused of not taking care of our property. (Both of our homes sold in less than two weeks. It must have worked.)

Or, maybe it started when I became a stay-at-home housewife. I would foresee new friends judging me; saying that I didn't have my life together. I was fearful that family members and seasoned friends would see me as a lazy housewife; spoiled and undeserving of having my husband's paycheck at my disposal. 

Still, my house is never that dirty. It is messy with toys. There are books piled up on several tables and counter-tops. The laundry and dishes pile up during our school days (we homeschool). We eat three meals and two snacks every single day. It piles up in a hurry-several times a day. I could live in that kitchen, or that laundry room! We have 7 people who live here!

Still, I am not a hoarder. We do not have pets (currently), that make messes around the house freely at their own will. We don't eat in bed. We organize a few times a year. We clean bathrooms every week, but with 7, they could be done daily.

See-I'm crazy, right? Already making excuses, even before you come to visit.

Or maybe it is the kids. I have one with Autism (not everyone is empathetic, especially since he is high-functioning). He would rather hide in his room, than have people in our house-including his own family members. Having company throws him off of his routine. You do not want to go there. 

I have an introverted child who would rather not have company as well. He pouts and makes you feel guilty for even suggesting it.

I have an attention-demanding four year old.

We have a toddler who likes to sneak out of the house, or get into mom's make-up. She needs constant supervision.

I don't have the energy to entertain company with all of these kids. They are my priority. When my mom is watching the kids (at our house, for she lives here too), I spend my extra time and attention with my husband. It is a rare opportunity when it happens and I am not sharing!

Any comments? Anyone want to put me in my place and tell me how important friends are? Shoot me a note! 

Homeschooling an Aspie

The whole reason that we started homeschooling was because of our Aspie child. He was unofficially diagnosed by me and some teachers didn't believe me. Others had never even heard of Asperger Syndrome. IEP's were a joke. My child was bullied and suicidal. It was time for a change!

Our new pediatrician insisted on a "real" diagnoses by a "professional". $5,000.00 and a few office trips later, we had one on paper. It had stated all the diagnoses that I had given him. ASPERGER SYNDROME, SENSORY INTEGRATION DYSFUNCTION, DEPRESSION, OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER (and a strong AVERSION TO ALL FOODS but 5: processed meat, cheese, yogurt, fries and sugar). Yes, that last part about the food I added, but it was another piece we had to deal with. He was on multi-vitamins and had his organ functions checked every couple of years, because he refused to eat fruit, vegetables, nuts, rice, noodles, soups, real meat, and consumed way too much dairy and sugar. He also TOE WALKED. This led to thousands of dollars and years of leg braces and physical therapies-none of which did a thing to change his walking. He went from a talented elementary-aged baseball player, to a teen who still walks on his toes and can't walk well, much less run. 

Those parents who have kids with Asperger's, need no explanation as to the difficulties you and your children face. Here is how to make life easier: homeschool. Here is how you make homeschooling an Aspie easier...

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~Deschool. Spend time after you pull your child out of public/private school, to let him/her unwind. This is time you use to prepare yourself and your child's curriculum. Two months is average for deschooling.

~Get a punching bag. Change is hard and confusing. Anger issues surface. Unless you want your walls and possessions to suffer, let them punch a punching bag. It is a wall saver. Pillows and old mattresses work too. Treadmill/outdoor walks are a bonus.

~Create a dim-lit, very quiet, uninterrupted, sibling-free, work zone. A doors-shut work room. This is usually a bedroom, or an office. Allow as much time as needed for your child to feel safe in there. He will not be like other children. Don't expect him to come out of the room as much as other children. This will be where he can concentrate on his school work.

~Allow for headphones and music. Unless you are talking directly to your child, allow them to always use headphones and to play music when studying.

~Don't expect eye contact. This takes time to learn and is so uncomfortable for an Aspie, that it shouldn't be required.

~Keep the school day short. Three subjects a day, plus exercise (gym), chores (home ec) and documentaries (science and social studies) and computer/other hobby should complete the day. If he/she likes to read, that is reading. Let them choose the book/comic book/book of facts. I would not recommend more than 2 to 3 sit-down subjects a day.

~Eating and Learning with siblings is torture. Smells, lights, noise, are all PAINFUL distractions. Research Sensory Integration Dysfunction, or Sensory Issues, because this almost always coincides with Asperger Syndrome.

~Remember to compliment and (carefully) hug your Aspie! Be patient and LISTEN to their "little professor" lectures as they pace across the floor. What they say is important to them, just as your lectures to your kids are important to you.

~Don't expect cursive, or even good handwriting. Allow them to type. Motor skills are extremely hard for most Aspies as well.

~Let them hone in on a skill or hobby. Don't expect them to play sports, music and join a social group.

~Be realistic. Educate yourself.

~Be patient, loving and ACCEPTING for who they are. Don't mold them into a round peg and shove them into a mold. They are square. They like being square.

~See their gifts. Help them build on them by giving them the tools they need. This may be footing the bill for their own computer, science kits, history books, lego collection, etc. You will usually save on the costs of sports and other classes/groups. So, use this budget on these.

~Know it is a long road. Two steps forward, one step back. It is a dance.

~Compliment and build self-esteem. Never put down your child and become a bully of sorts yourself. 

~Don't call the cops when times get physical. Give them space. Direct to punching bag. Hug when melt-down is over.

~Don't institutionalize. I was a Residential Treatment Counselor for teens. I would never recommend this. Ever.

~Pat yourself on the back. You are a great parent! You can do this!


See www.mylittleprofessor.com for more insight.

All Great Parents Homeschool

Parents of private and public school kids: do any of your days look like this?

Chicken letters and corn. The lunch of preschoolers. Dad's form of entertainment. He couldn't help himself. He just taught the girls how to spell the state that their Dad and brothers were born in. He just taught them that Iowa grows corn (although more for cattle and chicken feed and for other non-consumable products, but that will be for another lesson in a couple of years).

Later that day, Dad took the boys to the auto parts store, to try to obtain information on what was wrong with his rear axle and brakes; and then to find the parts that he needed to fix them. They also weighed the pros and cons of paying for these parts, plus the tools to fix the problem, versus just taking it in to be fixed. They decided it was cheaper to fix the Jeep. They spent hours in the garage together, doing just that.

That night, we watched a documentary on deep underwater exploration, propelled by research conducted by Woods Hole Institute in Massachusetts. We learned that new species are being discovered all of the time. We learned how these species adapt down in the freezing depths of our enormous oceans. This excited the kids, as they remembered our visit to Woods Hole on a vacation and how they had touched the Alvin, the original research submersible.

The next day, we took the kids to the zoo. There they learned a lot about the mating rituals of the animals, including the peacock. We moved on and watched the baby apes playing with their parents in the same manner as we played with them at home, wrestling about on the floor. This was hysterical entertainment, but also a learning experience. The siblings would tease each other and occasionally throw food around (like the two year old at our house). The sibling apes would also get jealous of the attention mom bestowed upon the other. The girls were surprised that the young ones ate the same veggies that they enjoyed as snacks at home. I assured the kids that they were not apes, although we acted like apes quite often. This led to a lecture by our Aspie teen, on the evolution of human beings and how we shared a genetic link to the apes. (Think Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.)

Before bed, we read lots of books about animals. Our young ones chose stuffed animals to sleep with, thankful that those animals would not potty where they slept, because they were "faked".  I corrected their grammar and said good-night. The older kids sat up watching Discovery Channel's, "How It's Made", as they were making European high-end vehicles. It was neat to watch their faces light up, as they recalled the different tasks they worked on with dad, on the Jeep.

These are primary examples of our weekends. Yours may include sports, as ours have in the past. Maybe your days include music lessons after school, or swim classes, or camping trips. Do you take your kids to work? Do you cook with them; take them shopping; make them mow the lawn? These are all tasks that teach. These are all lessons from home.

Great parents homeschool. They may then take their kids to public or private school during the weekdays, 186 days a school year, but then they bring them home and teach them. Great parents spend time with their kids, take them on walks, field trips, read to them and play games with them. This is homeschool.

Do you agree or disagree? Are you a homeschool parent?

Why You Shouldn't Potty Train Until 3 Years of Age

Oh, the pressure! No, not the pressure "to go", but the pressure to put that baby on the potty "to go". This pressure that is put on parents of babies and toddlers, by grandparents, aunts, friends and day care professionals, can be quite stressful. Here is why I have decided that it is just not worth the effort to potty train before 3 years of age.

Our first born was in no hurry to get rid of the diaper. His preschool was, however. So, we trained for the next year. For a whole 12 months we put the kid on and off of the potty, all the while continuing diapers.  We tried the run-around all day on the non-carpeted floors without a diaper, or pants even, bringing the potty into the room with us. We tried the Fruit Loop target in the toilet too. He knew the process and hardly made an accident, but refused to go until we put a diaper on him. He would hold it for a day and a half, until finally, we would give in and put the disposable thing on him.  He would go and we would change. So tiring. So frustrating! He was 3 and a half before he was going into the potty on his own.

Our second born was in no rush to join the ranks at preschool. Two weeks was enough for him and we were told, by him, that there was no way he is going back to preschool! We taught him at home. We cherished the mommy and me classes at the community center and the time at home snuggling on the couch and playing at the park. After he blew out the 3 candles on his birthday cake, we started potty training. He was done with diapers in 24 hours.  That was it. Not a single accident. Not a wet bed. Done!

Our third born wanted to be potty trained at 2 years and a month old; right after her little sister was brought home from the hospital and had to have her diaper changed often.  She claimed that she wasn't a baby and so she didn't need diapers like a baby. Two months later, we were at an amusement park all day long, for my first born's 12th. birthday. Of course, Miss third born wanted to continue her potty training and practiced three times every hour in the public restrooms. So tiring! So germ-filled! Ten months later and after a year of this potty training-a full 12 months-she was done with the diaper! She was 3 years and a month old. Still, those urine-covered potty seats and those filled little potties that also leaked all over, were no picnic either, and it took yet another 12 months before she didn't need those anymore. Free finally at 4.

The fourth born is now exactly 2 years and 6 months old. She requested the pink potty. I obliged-rolling my eyes-and opened it up for her to sit down upon. She filled it up. So proud was she! So fake excited was I! Here we go again....
My guess is that she will be done, the day after she turns 3!

ANY comments or suggestions? Feel free to let 'em rip!

Keep Little Hands Occupied So Your Hands Are Free!

Whether you are a career parent, who has laundry piling up and kids pulling on your shirt sleeves for attention as soon as you walk in the door, or a homeschool parent, whose home is over-run by school-books and dishes and food messes and little ones, activity boxes can be your saving grace.

I bought the large tote with wheels at Target for the blocks. Then, I proceeded to the Dollar Store for the matching color baskets of two different shapes. I filled them each with items of the same category. Gears, musical instruments, counting puzzles, bug collecting and exploring gadgets, beads with string, flash cards, etc. are some of the categories. I used clear under-the-bed storage containers with lids for items like Playdough, paints, and Legos.  These are taken out and put on the table when I do dishes.  The other boxes are played in while the older kids complete school subjects with mom, or when I need to clean a bathroom, or dust a room.

The kids aren't always in boxes though! They love to work side by side with me when I dust; when I collect laundry, or fold towels; I always involve even the littlest of kids to "help" out by handing them a dust rag, or a set of handtowels to fold. When I vacuum, they are vacuuming the kitchen and dining area with the tiny vacuum.  Also, there are times when the older kids are doing work in their workbooks, or text books and I have a drawer of coloring books, a drawer of Dollar Store preschool workbooks, and a drawer of crayons for them to use right along with the big kids.

For special occasions when I have to watch documentaries with the older kids, or discuss household management with my husband, I bring out a box of little assorted things, such as dollhouse accessories, bracelets, dice, and other "littles". These have to be supervised with any kids under preschool age, so assign a big kid to sit with them, or just bring it out for the preschool to elementary aged kid to play in. (Grandma has her own box of "littles" as well for the kids!) Babies and Toddlers love to play with plastic cups, lids and Cherrios!

Most boxes can be put away in a closet, or up on a shelf and brought out for these special times, when you really need to have them not interrupting you. It keeps it exciting for them and works this way best.
Other boxes are set up, alongside book shelves of children's books, puzzles, and a play kitchen. They learn to occupy themselves, as long as you give them the attention first!